At dawn’s crack yesterday, Harry Chartoff of Manhattan’s the Upper West Side, headed to his bathroom to relieve himself urinarily. Phone in hand, with flashlight function kindled, he was startled to see the planet Mars hovering above his toilet apparently relieving itself of solid matter with period blasts of a gaseous material. The smell was “real bad but I couldn’t stop staring,” said Chartoff, at the sight of the planetary “what I think was a number two.” Thinking quickly, he snapped a photo of the event (below). When reached for comment, Mars said, “I love the West Side, but that halal truck food just goes right through me and I couldn’t make it back in time.” Officials from NASA refused to comment.
In a tradition that has gone on for what seems like forever, God, who admittedly is a “sucker for nostalgia”, nodded in approval as this year’s batches of matzoh – the cracker-like, dehydrating, oft-constipating, unleavened bland semitic product – left the new Manischewitz factory in Newark, New Jersey headed for Seder meals (the prolonged, ritual Passover dinner) throughout the country. Passover, the annual Jewish festival commemorating slavery, begins tonight at sundown where this “bread of affliction” will be the consumed for the next 8 days in lieu of much more enjoyable leavened products. After the factory ceremony, God was headed to CVS to stock up on Colace.
With reports swirling in the both the entertainment and canine worlds of Barbra Streisand’s recent dog cloning escapades, it was revealed that Babs had inadvertently sent her own DNA to the cloning laboratory. When the brown-garbed UPS delivery-person appeared at her Malibu estate with an oversized shipping crate, shock ensued when upon opening the package, an exact replica of Ms. Streisand appeared, albeit in Yentl garb and belting out “The Way We Were.” The “original” dumbstruck Streisand was said to have been muttering incoherently, “that’s not my nose, “before passing out. Her husband, the actor and former Marcus Welby acolyte, James Brolin, was last seen fleeing the scene by motorcycle screaming antisemitic remarks.
On his recent trip to Israel, U.S. V.P. Mike Pence, who has intermittently claimed a kinship to his Jewish brethren, underwent a penile circumcision in solidarity. In addition, he added, “my penis needs a new look.” The procedure, often performed by a mohel trained for this special purpose, occurs to male Jews who are 8 days of age. Following in the steps of Abraham, the famed Jewish patriarch, who had his penis ritualized at 99 years of age, Pence proclaimed, “while I’m 58 years old, my penis feels like it’s in his nineties, so there.” Clutching a bottle of Manischewitz, the syrupy sweet kosher wine, and in obvious genital discomfort, Pence perked up a bit and added, “I can’t wait to show it to Donald, I mean Karen.”
Known for typically strict attention to detail, a group of Orthodox Jewish nebbishes from Borough Park, Brooklyn misread the directions from one of their Holy Books resulting in a cloning mishap. Originally intended to clone one local Rabbi (Rebbe Shmuel Schmuckler), who had a lifelong desire to visit Freeport, Maine and its flagship L.L. Bean superstore, the experiment got stuck in an infinite loop that even puzzled the Almighty. No comment from up above. As a result of the error, thousands of Rabbi Schmucklers are now clogging the streets of Brooklyn’s Jewish sector in need of settlement. Talks with Israeli government officials are ongoing as large swathes of territory in the Jewish homeland have become increasingly available.
As has been the case for almost 5,778 years, Jews around the world continue the tradition of overeating in preparation for a mere 24 hour fast. “I get light-headed, chilly and cranky if I don’t fill up the hump,” said one portly Hebrew man in Borough Park, Brooklyn, referencing either a camel in the desert or his severe case of kyphoscoliosis. As brisket, chicken and potatoes fly off the shelves, gastroenterologists stay open late to accommodate the masses whose routine reflux, diarrhea and IBS symptoms increase to rates seen only around the High Holidays in the Semitic populations. “It’s an opportunity to serve the community as well as increase petty cash with our new cash-only copay policy,” said one GI specialist in Monsey, N.Y. “Oh and the leftovers they bring,” he added while surreptitiously loosening his waist-belt. As mounds of smoked fish and carb-loaded bagels await the fasting throngs at sundown, invariably one person who whined throughout the day about “life-threatening” hunger pangs, pipes up with, “I could’ve gone a few more hours.”
Despite the fact that corporal punishment remains a mainstay of religious educational behavioral modification, the old “ruler across the knuckles” approach is losing steam. With the wooden ruler industry in free-fall, there has been a simultaneous pique of interest in a more “hands-off” approach to school room discipline, especially with the decline of the previously popular priestly “handsy” approach. Enter the chain-saw. Along with whiteboards, laptops and tablets – chainsaws are becoming ever-present in today’s classrooms in religious circles. With no need for actual contact, the roaring sound of one of them is enough to get the attention of a classroom of malcontents and/or ruffians on the verge of mayhem-making. A nun from New York’s Rockland County anonymously said, “Believe me, I get their attention very quickly.” She added, rather sheepishly, “And it vibrates throughout my whole body.” Sounds like a match made in heaven.