MLB issued a statement warning ballpark security personnel throughout the league to be on the look-out for a group of 3 related individuals believed to be clearing out rows of game-goers with release of what is being described as an unusually pungent, foul-smelling form of bowel gas. A witness at Citifield on Thursday noticed one of the alleged gas-passers, likely the eldest, piling unusually large amounts of sauerkraut on his frankfurter. “He nearly emptied the container. It was clear to me what he was up to,” said the witness. Concession staff also noted the three ordering chicken fingers, Cracker Jack and sweet Italian sausage and peppers, with extra peppers, according to Premio staff. All three had large-sized vanilla custard in Mets mini-helmets. It is believed that they were taking advantage of their likely lactose intolerances in the hopes of increasing their respective gaseous contributions. The odor was so intense, said those within a few feet of the three, that their eyes were burning and they were forced to leave their seats in disgust. Thankfully, the stadium was near empty for the afternoon game with the Braves allowing for those suffering to move closer to the field to compensate for their visual and olfactory disturbances. “It smelled like burning flesh,” said one elderly sufferer who did take note of the cruel irony of this occurring so soon after Holocaust Remembrance Day. “But I did get to move my seat way down near the action, so, overall, not so bad,” said the man apologetically while blinking uncontrollably.
Stadium security estimated their ages as between 55 to 85 and of possible Jewish ancestry based on the males over-sized hats, sun-avoidant behavior and large amounts of poorly-applied facial sunscreen. The three are likely related based on the similarity of their poor posture and unbalanced gait. They were last seen headed to Bronx. They are not armed in the traditional sense but should be considered dangerous within a radius of 5 feet and just after feeding.
A pixelated image of the alleged suspects. Keep your distance warns MLB authorities.
I'm over here now. 