Is it Cracker Jack or Cracker Jacks? Sonofabitch or son of a bitch? I want the Pittsburgh Pirates to play the Somali Pirates. I am deeply ashamed of my inability to use chopsticks effectively. “Can I please have a fork? I am sorry as well.” Despite the fact that treatises have been written about the spork, I still feel like I have something to offer on the subject. Growing up, I wanted to be the first Jewish matador. People have referred to me as granular. I refuse to look that up. I spent more than seven hours in a row working on financial spreadsheets when I got up today. Just coffee, no solid food. I think that makes me granular. My rabbi told me I am permanently ritually impure. I’m still hopeful. I recently came out as bald to my family. They said they had suspected for some time. Why did I wait so long? I want to spearhead a scalding water challenge for burn victims. I like raising a stink which leads me to believe that farts are lighter than air. What follows is this – if there is a hole in the ozone layer, does outer space smell like shit? Where’s Neil?