As gang-related activity spreads its tentacles from the ‘urbs to the suburbs, the newest landscape for criminal endeavors is off of the streets and into our kitchens, no less. The back shelves of our refrigerators have become veritable breeding grounds for lone-wolf attacks (think of that hard-boiled egg from 3 months ago), single-species fruit and vegetable gangland-style crime sprees as well as some very unlikely inter-species pairings bandying together to wreak havoc upon unsuspecting homeowners who in times past have viewed their fridges as areas of peace, harmony and the occasional snuck snack. Not anymore. The report of a recent attack was released after a Freedom of Information request was granted in which a group of rogue baby carrots (see photo below) had frozen themselves together to purportedly increase their mass and tensile strength in order to be able to render unconscious the next fridge door opener. The plot never came to fruition with sources saying that an informant in the crisper compartment was able to alert the authorities. The Dole corporation’s press officers were unavailable for comment for this article due to a holiday corporate outing. At a recent conference of food scientists in Orlando, Florida, a panel discussion of criminal activity in our kitchens had to use an overflow room with a video-feed of the discussion. Law enforcement officials spoke anonymously since they are unable to speak and said that they have been aware of this problem for some time and are creating a task-force. The take-home message is that we should patrol our fridges like we patrol our streets with vigilance and justice for all.
I'm over here now. 