A Public Health “Emergency” was declared on New York City’s Jews on Tuesday as the Mayor declared the neighborhoods of Borough Park and Williamsburg in the Brooklyn, the epicenter of the outbreak. Using zip codes for political cover, DeBlasio was immediately called out for the thinly-veiled reference to these intensely semitic enclaves. A horde of long-coated, side-locked men gathered to protest the mayor’s statement that these people were “very, very troubling and must be dealt with immediately.” Governor A. Cuomo, DeBlasio’s arch-rival, immediately seized upon the political opportunity lobbed to him and stated that some of his best friends were measles-carrying, unvaccinated Jews.
At dawn’s crack yesterday, Harry Chartoff of Manhattan’s the Upper West Side, headed to his bathroom to relieve himself urinarily. Phone in hand, with flashlight function kindled, he was startled to see the planet Mars hovering above his toilet apparently relieving itself of solid matter with period blasts of a gaseous material. The smell was “real bad but I couldn’t stop staring,” said Chartoff, at the sight of the planetary “what I think was a number two.” Thinking quickly, he snapped a photo of the event (below). When reached for comment, Mars said, “I love the West Side, but that halal truck food just goes right through me and I couldn’t make it back in time.” Officials from NASA refused to comment.
In a tradition that has gone on for what seems like forever, God, who admittedly is a “sucker for nostalgia”, nodded in approval as this year’s batches of matzoh – the cracker-like, dehydrating, oft-constipating, unleavened bland semitic product – left the new Manischewitz factory in Newark, New Jersey headed for Seder meals (the prolonged, ritual Passover dinner) throughout the country. Passover, the annual Jewish festival commemorating slavery, begins tonight at sundown where this “bread of affliction” will be the consumed for the next 8 days in lieu of much more enjoyable leavened products. After the factory ceremony, God was headed to CVS to stock up on Colace.
With reports swirling in the both the entertainment and canine worlds of Barbra Streisand’s recent dog cloning escapades, it was revealed that Babs had inadvertently sent her own DNA to the cloning laboratory. When the brown-garbed UPS delivery-person appeared at her Malibu estate with an oversized shipping crate, shock ensued when upon opening the package, an exact replica of Ms. Streisand appeared, albeit in Yentl garb and belting out “The Way We Were.” The “original” dumbstruck Streisand was said to have been muttering incoherently, “that’s not my nose, “before passing out. Her husband, the actor and former Marcus Welby acolyte, James Brolin, was last seen fleeing the scene by motorcycle screaming antisemitic remarks.
On his recent trip to Israel, U.S. V.P. Mike Pence, who has intermittently claimed a kinship to his Jewish brethren, underwent a penile circumcision in solidarity. In addition, he added, “my penis needs a new look.” The procedure, often performed by a mohel trained for this special purpose, occurs to male Jews who are 8 days of age. Following in the steps of Abraham, the famed Jewish patriarch, who had his penis ritualized at 99 years of age, Pence proclaimed, “while I’m 58 years old, my penis feels like it’s in his nineties, so there.” Clutching a bottle of Manischewitz, the syrupy sweet kosher wine, and in obvious genital discomfort, Pence perked up a bit and added, “I can’t wait to show it to Donald, I mean Karen.”
Known for typically strict attention to detail, a group of Orthodox Jewish nebbishes from Borough Park, Brooklyn misread the directions from one of their Holy Books resulting in a cloning mishap. Originally intended to clone one local Rabbi (Rebbe Shmuel Schmuckler), who had a lifelong desire to visit Freeport, Maine and its flagship L.L. Bean superstore, the experiment got stuck in an infinite loop that even puzzled the Almighty. No comment from up above. As a result of the error, thousands of Rabbi Schmucklers are now clogging the streets of Brooklyn’s Jewish sector in need of settlement. Talks with Israeli government officials are ongoing as large swathes of territory in the Jewish homeland have become increasingly available.
As has been the case for almost 5,778 years, Jews around the world continue the tradition of overeating in preparation for a mere 24 hour fast. “I get light-headed, chilly and cranky if I don’t fill up the hump,” said one portly Hebrew man in Borough Park, Brooklyn, referencing either a camel in the desert or his severe case of kyphoscoliosis. As brisket, chicken and potatoes fly off the shelves, gastroenterologists stay open late to accommodate the masses whose routine reflux, diarrhea and IBS symptoms increase to rates seen only around the High Holidays in the Semitic populations. “It’s an opportunity to serve the community as well as increase petty cash with our new cash-only copay policy,” said one GI specialist in Monsey, N.Y. “Oh and the leftovers they bring,” he added while surreptitiously loosening his waist-belt. As mounds of smoked fish and carb-loaded bagels await the fasting throngs at sundown, invariably one person who whined throughout the day about “life-threatening” hunger pangs, pipes up with, “I could’ve gone a few more hours.”
Despite the fact that corporal punishment remains a mainstay of religious educational behavioral modification, the old “ruler across the knuckles” approach is losing steam. With the wooden ruler industry in free-fall, there has been a simultaneous pique of interest in a more “hands-off” approach to school room discipline, especially with the decline of the previously popular priestly “handsy” approach. Enter the chain-saw. Along with whiteboards, laptops and tablets – chainsaws are becoming ever-present in today’s classrooms in religious circles. With no need for actual contact, the roaring sound of one of them is enough to get the attention of a classroom of malcontents and/or ruffians on the verge of mayhem-making. A nun from New York’s Rockland County anonymously said, “Believe me, I get their attention very quickly.” She added, rather sheepishly, “And it vibrates throughout my whole body.” Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Disgraced former congressman and contributor to Hillary Clinton’s doomed Presidential bid, Anthony Weiner quietly masturbated himself in a Manhattan courtroom this week. Witnesses included Human Abedin, his soon-to-be ex-wife, as well as the judge hearing their divorce case. Earlier in the week, lawyers for Weiner wrote to the judge hearing his sexting case that they are seeking probation for their client. His legal team also represents Louis C.K., who is under suspicion for sexual misconduct. Known in the business as an inappropriate serial masturbator, C.K. is under fire from the likes of Tig Notaro and Roseanne Barr for not addressing the rumors swirling around his genitalia. When pressed for comment after the meeting, Weiner referred to the progress he has made in rehab. Sentencing is set for September 25th.
Grappling with the destruction and devastation that Hurricane Irma left in its wake, Floridians in the Keys of the state are shunning the traditional post-storm donations and are asking for Mallomars, Nabisco’s S’mores-oid cookie product. At nearly 100 years of ageism, the Mallomar has not only stood the test of time but has been put to many industrial as well as gastronomic uses. The mainstay of road-repair for decades, the “Mar, as it is known colloquially, has been touted as well for its off-the-charts buoyancy properties making it ideal for uses in raising sunken ships and in structural constructional work-related workings. With food supplies scarce and months of rebuilding ahead, the ‘Mar is the ideal product for such dire circumstances. As supplies are being readied for shipment to the southern portions of the country, the once-idyllic Caribbean Islands, which experienced there own Irma-related damage, sadly mis-requested Oreos.