With Hurricane Irma bearing down on Florida, its residents are doing the same. Panic is setting in – in two key ways. With literally massive evacuations being called for, the state’s flood plains are quickly rising ahead of the cycling weather mass as sewage systems are overwhelmed by the populous’s bowel contents. “I normally don’t go but once a week,” said Edith Dreckler, a proud great-grandmother originally from Brooklyn, “but when the government says go, you go!” She sheepishly admitted to needing “a little push” from some Colace. Up north, families are panic-stricken with the exodus-like return of their elderly and oft-demented relatives who seem to feed at odd intervals. When FEMA officials visited an assisted-living senior facility to help clarify the misunderstanding, Hymen Arkin, a longtime resident, became visibly upset and shouted, “Nazi storms! I’m not leaving!” A pungent aroma emanated from his baggy dungarees leading to an evacuation evacuation sending his facility-mates scampering back to their rooms in disgust. The dejected officials left quickly as well while urging those within earshot to minimize their toilet paper usage and to eat binding foodstuffs.
Feigy Boteach, colloquially known as Mother Nature, waited until after sundown this past Shabbos to release a terse statement regarding her youngest, Hurricane Harvey. “I tried to get away for few days, as is my wont near summer’s end and had to return to this shit!” she exclaimed. “Believe you-me, Harvey has had his issues. Yes, he’s been left alone before if you must know, but this is a shocker. When I was young, oh sure, we made a mess but we cleaned it up! This is not the Harvey I raised.” As the youngest of 9, Harvey, or Chaim (חַיִּים) to his sect, was frequently making mischief with puddling and the like, according to sources. Rumors persist to this day as to Harvey’s paternity given his long white beard and bloated ego.
“I was overcome, actually,” said Seth Lustig, a previously-Jewish man from Monsey, New York, who urgently converted to Catholicism while taking his daughter Chaya to visit a New England-based college. “They are non-demoninational now, as per the information session we attended, but in the chapel, I saw Him and He spoke to me directly, and I knew what I needed to do.” After the conversion was complete, Mr. Lustig enjoyed a bowl of clam chowder and a lobster roll while his daughter looked on in disgust while eating a piece of gefilte fish. When asked to describe his meal, he smiled wryly and uttered, “Heavenly.” He has yet to tell his wife, his parents or her parents.
Alleged serial rapist Bill Cosby has exposed his new apparel line for the fall/winter season. As his legal woes persist, Cosby refuses to be deterred when it comes to his fashion empire. With a five-month delay until his sexual retrial, Cosby has had plenty of free-time to pursue his fashion interests. With his legal team dropping away, Cosby has hired new lead counsel Shemp Howard to help him get off. Seemingly taking a page from drug kingpin El “Shorty” Chapo, Cosby has hired Shemp, known for his quick wit, sharp legal mind and dapper suit collection.
I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Iron And Wine’s Sam Beam perform a solo show at the intimate Housing Works Bookstore Café in New York City’s Soho district last week. With a nylon-stringed Taylor in his lap, Mr. Beam took audience requests as well as the occasional lyrical helping-hand in this sold-out charity event. His between-song banter, which included a preponderance of well-timed “fucks”, had the audience laughing and engaged with the wild-haired, long-bearded, thin-waisted performer. What puzzled me were a series of photographs of the event as well his performance on CBS’s This Morning – Saturday. It appears as if Sam is sending a not-so-inconspicuous message via his fretting hand’s (left) middle finger. Sam?
Mexico’s most famous drug lord, Joaquìn Archivaldo Guzmán Loera, known as “El Chapo” or “Shorty”, due to his staturelessness, has released a news brief revealing his newly assembled legal team. Atop the leaderboard is Samuel Horwitz known to many as “Shemp Howard” or “Shemp” or, to his mother, as “Sam”. Best known for his role as the third stooge in the spectacularly famous and antically Jewish Three Stooges, Shemp has also continued to have a thriving legal career. “Shorty”, the former head of the Sinaloa drug cartel, is known for his escapes of derring-do as well as for his fine fashion sense (see photo below, left). “Shemp” is known for his improvisational skills and his early-career vaudevillian minstrelsy (see photo below, right).
As the cave paintings at Lascaux clearly delineate, the concept of the “maiming of the drummers”, due to the incessant racket they produced in quieter times, goes back to the prehistorical era. This notion can also be traced to modernity as well, albeit in a less violent fashion, as families with percussion-minded children in tow flee the cities for more space and a basement in an attempt to alienate said drummer and contain the aural pollution they produce. As seen below, modern percussion ensembles, in an act of respect and deference to their roots as well as to the oft ear-plugged audience, ceremonially “offer their heads” in remembrance.
In a hastily arranged press conference, Darren Softee, aka Mister Softee, spoke frankly about his penile-erectile dysfunction issues. “The irony of my professional moniker is not lost on me but I’ve always relied on good humor to get me through the difficult times,” said the coned speaker. With the likes of Steve Harvey and Tom Selleck openly discussing the issues they have been with their respective penises, Softee felt compelled to share his story and hopefully destigmatize his perennial flaccidity. “Yes, it’s a bit of, “I’m melting””, a reference to “The Wizard of Oz”‘s the Wicked Witch of the West’s line when doused with water by Dorothy Gale. With the advent of medication and a supportive partner, Softee’s story is a bonafide success.
New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA), under a barrage of criticism and with a list of long-overdue reparations, has taken a page from the Nazi-era playbook. With conductors newly empowered to close doors on unsuspecting riders under Joe Lhota’s stewardship, area emergency department (ED) visits for arm and elbow injuries have skyrocketed. “Fuck that, I’ll walk,” said one arm-slinged former MTA patron who suffered an ulna fracture on the new Second Avenue Q line when doors slammed shut during a particularly frenzied morning rush late last week. “Looked me right in the eye, snickered and shut those motherfuckin’ doors on my arm,” she added referring to the fourth-car conductor that morning. Repeated inquiries made to the MTA have gone repeatedly unanswered. On the subways lines with particularly high Jewish ridership (1, 2, 3, B, C – Broadway, Central Park West (CPW) Upper West Side (UWS)), incoherent overhead announcements with a distinct German lilt blare throughout the day scaring off the mostly elderly subset of riders. “Hits too close to home,” said the aged Sylvia N., refusing to give her full name for fear of reprisal. “Access-A-Ride is terrible,” she added in a thick Hebraic accent, “but at least it doesn’t feel like 1943. I’m waiting for them right now. They’re late. I am never late.”
At the urging of the Jewish side of the family, President Bill Clinton underwent a brit milah (ritual penile circumcision performed by a mohel, a ritual penile circumciser) at the 92nd Street Y this morning. As per custom, invitations were not sent and anyone who wished to attend did so or watched on video screens along Lexington Avenue. Mohel and Cantor Phil Sherman performed the ceremony will adding his usual shtick and left quickly after grabbing a bagel and a somewhat excessive amount of lox (ritual smoked fish, usually highly over-priced). The President is said to be resting comfortably in his Chappaqua home with round-the-clock genitourinary-trained nursing personnel at the ready. Dr. Avi Slong, a urologist in Westchester who was not involved in the procedure, offered, “At this point, an erection can be extremely painful and potentially dangerous, so hopefully he is in a completely non-stimulatory environment. Besides that, I wish him well.” Notable attendees were converted-Jew Ivanka Trump and her natively-Jewish husband Jared Kushner. Off in the corner looking smashing in a blue dress was Monica Lewinsky. “It’s nice to see old friends.”