Pence Seen Clutching Western Wall As Pain Of Recent Circumcision Overwhelms

Pence seen praying for peace in his pants

On his recent trip to Israel, U.S. V.P. Mike Pence, who has intermittently claimed a kinship to his Jewish brethren, underwent a penile circumcision in solidarity. In addition, he added, “my penis needs a new look.” ┬áThe procedure, often performed by a mohel trained for this special purpose, occurs to male Jews who are 8 days of age. Following in the steps of Abraham, the famed Jewish patriarch, who had his penis ritualized at 99 years of age, Pence proclaimed, “while I’m 58 years old, my penis feels like it’s in his nineties, so there.” Clutching a bottle of Manischewitz, the syrupy sweet kosher wine, and in obvious genital discomfort, Pence perked up a bit and added, “I can’t wait to show it to Donald, I mean Karen.”

Prez Clinton’s Penis Gets Jewish Makeover

At the urging of the Jewish side of the family, President Bill Clinton underwent a brit milah (ritual penile circumcision performed by a mohel, a ritual penile circumciser) at the 92nd Street Y this morning. As per custom, invitations were not sent and anyone who wished to attend did so or watched on video screens along Lexington Avenue. Mohel and Cantor Phil Sherman performed the ceremony will adding his usual shtick and left quickly after grabbing a bagel and a somewhat excessive amount of lox (ritual smoked fish, usually highly over-priced). The President is said to be resting comfortably in his Chappaqua home with round-the-clock genitourinary-trained nursing personnel at the ready. Dr. Avi Slong, a urologist in Westchester who was not involved in the procedure, offered, “At this point, an erection can be extremely painful and potentially dangerous, so hopefully he is in a completely non-stimulatory environment. Besides that, I wish him well.” Notable attendees were converted-Jew Ivanka Trump and her natively-Jewish husband Jared Kushner. Off in the corner looking smashing in a blue dress was Monica Lewinsky. “It’s nice to see old friends.”

President Clinton donning a kippah or yarmulke, the ritual brimless, cloth head-covering, en-route to his penis’ circumcision