A Public Health “Emergency” was declared on New York City’s Jews on Tuesday as the Mayor declared the neighborhoods of Borough Park and Williamsburg in the Brooklyn, the epicenter of the outbreak. Using zip codes for political cover, DeBlasio was immediately called out for the thinly-veiled reference to these intensely semitic enclaves. A horde of long-coated, side-locked men gathered to protest the mayor’s statement that these people were “very, very troubling and must be dealt with immediately.” Governor A. Cuomo, DeBlasio’s arch-rival, immediately seized upon the political opportunity lobbed to him and stated that some of his best friends were measles-carrying, unvaccinated Jews.
Known for typically strict attention to detail, a group of Orthodox Jewish nebbishes from Borough Park, Brooklyn misread the directions from one of their Holy Books resulting in a cloning mishap. Originally intended to clone one local Rabbi (Rebbe Shmuel Schmuckler), who had a lifelong desire to visit Freeport, Maine and its flagship L.L. Bean superstore, the experiment got stuck in an infinite loop that even puzzled the Almighty. No comment from up above. As a result of the error, thousands of Rabbi Schmucklers are now clogging the streets of Brooklyn’s Jewish sector in need of settlement. Talks with Israeli government officials are ongoing as large swathes of territory in the Jewish homeland have become increasingly available.
As has been the case for almost 5,778 years, Jews around the world continue the tradition of overeating in preparation for a mere 24 hour fast. “I get light-headed, chilly and cranky if I don’t fill up the hump,” said one portly Hebrew man in Borough Park, Brooklyn, referencing either a camel in the desert or his severe case of kyphoscoliosis. As brisket, chicken and potatoes fly off the shelves, gastroenterologists stay open late to accommodate the masses whose routine reflux, diarrhea and IBS symptoms increase to rates seen only around the High Holidays in the Semitic populations. “It’s an opportunity to serve the community as well as increase petty cash with our new cash-only copay policy,” said one GI specialist in Monsey, N.Y. “Oh and the leftovers they bring,” he added while surreptitiously loosening his waist-belt. As mounds of smoked fish and carb-loaded bagels await the fasting throngs at sundown, invariably one person who whined throughout the day about “life-threatening” hunger pangs, pipes up with, “I could’ve gone a few more hours.”
Always looking for summer frolics, the Yiddish-speaking sect of Jews colloquially know as the Satmar sect, have recently started engaging in mixed-martial art competitions. The village of Kiryas Joel in upstate New York’s Orange County, has become a veritable hotbed of young fighters who seem to draw strength from the long lineage of famous Jewish boxers of yesteryear. From Moshe the Mauler to Pinchas the Pincher, young boys with high bruisability can be found engaging in strength training two-a-days with morning and afternoon brisket-lifting sessions. Inter- and intra-haredi competitions with sect-mates from Williamsburg and Borough Park highlight summer Sundays with fathers furiously davening (ardent praying) while mothers forcefully encourage their sons to take the occasional kishke (derma) snack-break usually to no avail. One mother, Chaya, who refused to give her last name, said that she is proud of her little fighter but is nonetheless concerned about blood clots. Additional rules have been implemented which forbid payos-pulling (ritual side-curls) and grabbing of the fringes of the tallit katan (ritual poncho-like, fringed undergarment). Other than that, nothing is sacred.