At dawn’s crack yesterday, Harry Chartoff of Manhattan’s the Upper West Side, headed to his bathroom to relieve himself urinarily. Phone in hand, with flashlight function kindled, he was startled to see the planet Mars hovering above his toilet apparently relieving itself of solid matter with period blasts of a gaseous material. The smell was “real bad but I couldn’t stop staring,” said Chartoff, at the sight of the planetary “what I think was a number two.” Thinking quickly, he snapped a photo of the event (below). When reached for comment, Mars said, “I love the West Side, but that halal truck food just goes right through me and I couldn’t make it back in time.” Officials from NASA refused to comment.
The Mars Corporation of North America giddily announced in a hastily called news conference that their candy product Peanut M&M’s in it’s current formulation can drastically reduce and even eliminate colitis symptoms as well as any visual evidence of colitis seen on colonoscopy. Barely able to keep a smirk off his face, a spokesperson for the medical affairs division of Mars added gingerly that “inserted rectally, our product in a single dose of 49.3 grams or 23 pieces or one bag’s-worth, was found to result in almost complete remission of most colitities within 3-4 days post-insertion.” He further stated that the affected colons that were studied were free of disease for approximately one month. He added that “monthly dosing translated to patient convenience and an increased likelihood of patient compliance.” When questioned that the mode of administration might in actuality reduce patient compliance, he chimed, “Grow up.” When pressed about how this discovery was made, he hastily left the podium with a small swatch of toilet paper firmly attached to his left shoe. Mars offered no further comments.